Why Is Being Direct So Difficult? Part 2

Welcome to Being Direct Part 2!

or… How to get what you want in life.

In Part 1, I talked about one reason we often avoid being direct. We think that being direct creates more conflict when in fact, when we are direct in a non-judgemental way, it lowers the level of conflict by opening up the conversation, and it helps us get what you want in life. We looked at how most of us didn’t grow up learning how to be direct in a useful manner. We didn’t get to practice being direct so basically, we suck at it. It’s okay, I never tried hitting golf balls so I suck at that too! At the end of Part 1 we ran through a practice request that you can modify to fit every occasion and one that will help you get what you want from life.

If you haven’t read Part 1. Click Here and catch yourself up.

person standing on beach

WE DON’T ALLOW OURSELVES TO BE DIRECT BECAUSE SOMEWHERE DEEP IN OUR DARKEST PSYCHE, WE HANG ONTO THE IDEA THAT WE DON’T DESERVE IT.

Welcome to the dark side

There’s another reason why we often avoid being direct and this one is more nefarious. Somewhere, way deep down inside, there’s this inkling of an idea that we don’t deserve something. Maybe the thought is, “I’m not smart enough”, or “I’m not pretty enough, chic enough, talented enough”. Whatever it is, it all centers around that seed of thinking that you “aren’t enough”. This is the thing that most often trips us up. We don’t allow ourselves to be direct because somewhere deep in our darkest psyche, we hide the idea that we don’t deserve it.

Well shit! That’s just going to hold us back right? So what do we do about this hidden gem so that we can get what we want out of life? There’s a few ways that we have of dealing with this when we see it for what it is. Some ways are helpful, others, well… not so much.

field of barley

Change begins on the inside. Change one thing and you will start to get what you want from life!

Knowing your habit is the first step to doing things differently from this moment on.

See if you can pick out your own default reaction from the list below.

The Colonel:

This is the inner voice that starts jumping on you when you are down, berating you for being stupid or not good enough. It tells you all the ways you have failed to live up to your own expectations often toasting in arguments based on the public role you may hold, like CEO, head of the family, team leader, or entrepreneur. Whatever it is, this guy will jump up and down on you until you cow in the corner just trying to make him stop yelling.
End result: You don’t ask and you continue to feel uncomfortable with the situation.

The Blamer:

The inner blamer starts to list all the “reasons” why you can’t possibly ask for what you want or need. This voice blames everything and everyone around you for how uncomfortable the situation is and lays down very reasonable arguments why it will go badly if you even open your mouth. Often this nagger is able to create scenarios that stretch into years of bad outcomes and by the time she’s done with you, you feel like you should be apologising just for thinking about wanting something different.
End result: You either throw yourself under the bus, don’t ask or worse… offer to take on more of whatever is going on.

The Comparator:

This voice can be the most insidious of all because it’s often the most quiet. It’s like living with an undercurrent that sounds so terribly rational you might never pick up what it’s putting down. Or that it’s you who is being undermined. The Comparator frequently comments on how others do things and insinuates that you aren’t holding up your end of the bargain. This guy is kinda like the Colonel but quiet, quiet, quiet… and sneaky. By comparing everything you do or want to other people, this voice manages to keep you trapped in a never-ending cycle of trying to do more, better, faster without regard to your own needs, wants and desires.
End result: You find yourself working really hard for things you aren’t even sure you want. You might feel a deep fatigue that keeps you from even venturing to be direct in asking for something.

man writing in journal

Take a look at who you are, not who you think you are supposed to be.

Which one are you?

We all have a mix but there’s usually one voice that stands out as the loudest one in each of us. Once you identify that voice it’s easier to notice it when it shows up to do its thing. Start paying attention to the catch-phrases that pop in your head when you practice being direct. Hell, they might even pop up when you merely think about speaking up. Whatever the case, the more often you notice them, the less power they have to drive your actions. You can take two seconds, thank the voice for showing up (I love to say, “hey thanaaaaks dude”, in my best pseudo-Cali-surfer voice), and then keep moving in your practice of being direct without judgement.

Eventually they get the message and get the hell out of your way. They grow quieter and stop running the show so often and what takes their place is your growing skill, notice I said SKILL, at being direct. As you practice being direct you get better at it. You learn how to read yourself better and you’ll find that in a very short time, that four-part process that we covered in Part 1 is something that you do automatically. Like every other skill, it gets easier with practice, so go on, get out there and get practicing being direct.

If you missed Part 1………………. Click Here.

Want to jump right to Part 3….. Click Here..

Cheers,

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